by Katrinka mannelly
Although we customarily strive for discretion in all things, we find ourselves in a situation that simply must be addressed forthwith—the deplorable state of your underpants.
You may think the status of your intimate apparel is a private issue affecting you alone, but you could not be more mistaken. I’m sure we do not need to remind you that we live in an increasingly interconnected world in which all of our choices and actions have meaning and consequence to those around us. And frankly the current state of your underwear is of grave concern to us.
As Underpants Gnomes we take extreme pride in the garments we steal. It is normally our greatest delight to place your undies on our heads and dance around. It is quite truthfully what we live for. We love all styles equally—briefs, boxers, shapers, thongs, tighty whities, even granny panties. Underpants are serious business, a material reflection of their owner. It is time you face the sad truth that the picture your panties are painting of you is not a pretty one. Faded, stretched out, torn, and yes, even stained—these are warning signs.
Clarisse, we implore you, for your sake and ours, get some decent drawers in your drawers.
We know you have been going through a rough patch, stress at work, a few extra pounds around the middle, and a romantic “dry spell,” as they say, but these are not reasons to let your standards slide. They are, in point of fact, quite the opposite. “As above, so below, as below, so above,” as the saying goes. When the proper underlying foundation is in place it boosts one’s confidence and shrouds one’s extra insulation. Please take it on my authority, when you do have a guest in the boudoir, you will want undergarments you are proud to reveal rather than those you must conceal.
The issue is urgent. Two of our merry band have already left us in despair. They have been spotted lurking about your flowerbeds trying to fit in with the lawn gnomes. Instant purchases with expedient deliveries are available online. If expense is an issue, we encourage you to consider any of the handsome “value packs” offered in a wide variety of fabrics and designs.
Dearest Clarisse, your underpants, the very underpinning of our way of life, are unraveling. We beseech you to take action. Panties simply are the key to everything. Get your undies in order and all else will follow.
Ever your true and humble servant,
Hedrick “Bloomer Bonnet” Gnomious et al.
Katrinka Mannelly writes and lives in Fircrest, Washington with her husband Brian, daughter Tigist, dog Queenie and cat Riptide. She is a storyteller and always has been. Her book of short stories, “Section 130” is available at barnesandnoble.com and amazon.com.